Lucky to be Adopted
A term often used to refer to adoptees is "lucky." Adoptees are lucky because they have been "rescued" from a bad situation and placed into a better one. Below, Dr. Amanda Baden discusses the consequences of using this term and what effect it has on adoptees.
Being a Korean Adoptee myself, I cannot even count how many times I have heard those words, “Well, aren’t YOU lucky” or “I don’t even think of you as Asian” and in fact, I just heard that the other day….. And, ….. for as long as I can remember, I couldn’t figure out why those words would cause anger…..thank you for clarifying that for me. I really needed to hear that.
I remember the days when a certain talk show host was really starting to discuss race relations and being proud of her African American heritage and how every guest she seemed to have was discussing just how powerful that their ancestors pain and suffering affected them, empowered them in their every day lives to deal with the racism of today’s world. I was happy for them but at the same time I remember being so irritated and irrationally angry about all of the African American’s struggle with racism today – because I felt like and would actually fantasize of getting on the show and yelling at the cameras.. – “AT LEAST you HAVE heritage AND ancestors!?! I’m all stinking alone here in the bleeping cornfields of Minnesota!!!! You can look at your grandmothers hands and SEE where you’ve come from, hear your great uncle’s wit and know that he gave that to you. You KNOW that your eyes are your mothers and your nose is your father’s, cry on their shoulders and because they’ve been there – will be able to wipe your tears away….but I can’t….I was supposedly dumped on a street corner as a newly born baby….brought to a police station and given a name, given a birth date, I will probably never in my lifetime get to feel those comforts….and you want me to acknowledge YOUR pain? You want me to do what??? ACKNOWLEDGE MINE!!!!I bet the whole time I’m screaming at you all you’re thinking of is, “WEll, but see here young lady, YOU are SO LUCKY ” or “I bet she’s really good at math”….
I hate these same words also. I grew up in the Midwest and in my neighborhood just about everyone was caucasian. Total strangers would say: so you must feel so lucky to be adopted… I always felt as a 2nd class citizen when I heard that. When I heard about your mothers response… I remember hearing similar things from my own family. I hope current adopting parents will listen to your story and do a better job. Becky,thank you so much for posting this personal and very touching clip. Jayme-
We are in the process of adopting and do not like hearing that term “lucky” either. The loss of family and heritage must be devastating. We reply that the parents are the lucky ones; any better responses? I don’t like feeling as if we did this huge favor for a child and should expect more in return than a bio child. Every child should be loved and have a safe home. We will do our best to connect our new daughter with other adoptees.
Thank you for the video and comments.
Alyson LID 01/27/06
http://www.alyzabethan.blogspot.com
I’m an adoptive parent and I don’t look at my son as the “lucky” one. I am the lucky/blessed one to have him in my life. I don’t take for granted the pain his birthparents felt at giving him up nor will I expect him not to have issues with it as he grows up. I am taking many of the things here to heart to hopefully make things a little easier on my little guy once he starts to learn of his adoption. Thanks! Stacie