Adopted The Movie

Race matters–and it matters a great deal–despite the societal rhetoric that it is no longer as much of a problematic issue these days. Therefore, racial identity continues to be a foundational aspect of who an individual or group is, and having accurate knowledge of how children develop healthy racial identity–what the building blocks for it are and how to provide them–is essential knowledge for adoptive parents who have adopted transracially. Having sophisticated understanding of racism–the barrier to children developing healthy racial identity and sustaining high sense of self worth– is also crucial. That, of course, has to begin with looking inward first to see how we, as White parents, have been affected by the pervasive racism that exists in our society, how we participate even though we abhor it and believe ourselves free from any negative attitudes or beliefs about others, and what we must do to interrupt it for the sake of our children’s futures.

With that in mind, the following information will help you in our search for how to most effectively support and nurture your child’s racial identity throughout his or her lifetime. It is divided into two parts. The first part will help you to better understand racism, and the complicated way it is perpetuated, and at what level you are involved if you are White and living in the USA.

The second part offers practical suggestions for what you can do that will better insure that your child will grow to be an adult who possesses healthy racial identity and strong sense of self worth–what every human being deserves. Included in the list are suggestions for increasing your own understanding of the whole spectrum of racial identity including your own and that of any non-adopted or adopted child of European-Caucasian heritage within your family. That is important because focusing exclusively on the racial-ethnic-cultural identity of ONLY your transracially adopted children conveys that we are exoticizing that heritage rather than learning about it and honoring it as part of our celebration of ALL racial-ethnic and cultural heritages that make up our human family.

A warning: As adoptive parents, we are all, regardless of our own racial-ethnic background, works- in-progress as far as understanding, claiming, and recognizing the importance of our OWN racial-ethnic-cultural heritages. We must recognize how important it is to weave that together with learning about and helping our child gain appreciation and understanding of his or her own racial-ethnic heritage. Because we live in an extremely racialized society that claims otherwise while all of the social indicators from who has better education, health care, housing, level of income commensurate with experience and education, etc… show definitively that race matters mightily, we all must be willing to learn about and face up to where we fall within the spectrum of practising and perpetuating racism. That may at first surprise, threaten, and embarrass us as we consider whether we are truly as free of racism or not at this point
in our parenting careers. Also, as we look at what we need to do to make progress if we want to truly give our children the strongest foundation for building healthy racial identity. Most of us who are of European-Caucasian heritage must be willing to endure some unpleasant feelings in facing the realities of what we have integrated into how we see or rather DON’T see how we and others who are White participate in a system of racism before we can trade that
for greater depth of understanding. What comes with that greater depth of understanding and "seeing" is the opportunity to really and truly progress toward a more enlightened state out of which we are better equipped to support and nurture ALL of our children’s
racial-ethnic identity.

We need to, as a collective community, make real meaningful changes instead of excuses, and THAT must begin with YOU and ME. Make it happen… needs to be our motto.

PART ONE: LADDER OF RACISM/ ANTI-RACISM INSIDE AND OUTSIDE OF THE ADOPTION COMMUNITY

As an adoptive mother, myself, in the transracial adoptive parent community, I have struggled and suspect that I will always struggle to understand racism. I may always be challenged to realistically face up to how it has the potential to negatively impact my children
and grandchildren, and decide what I can and should do to best help them resist it. Not one of us who is White and raising children of color can truly fully understand what it is like to experience racism firsthand, or to try to navigate life as a person of color without having had a set of parents, extended family, and community of color that one is automatically a part of. Each of us must monitor our OWN evolving racial identity development, awareness of
White Privilege and understanding of racism. Each of us must wrestle with, on a daily basis, how much racial diversity and multi-cultural education/immersion is "enough" for our child and family. We must regularly assess what the composition of that racial diversity/multi-cultural exposure should look like moment-to-moment and day-today.

I am convinced that I, personally, know only one thing: that there are no simple, complete, unshifting answers or solutions to the problems and challenges we and our children face throughout our lives. Even so, I have attempted to describe what I think we must face up to
as members of the adoption community who occupy the part of the triad with the greatest degree of choice and power.

One way to think about this is to see our children’s lives and racial identity development (if we are White) as having parallels with the well-known children’s story "The Ugly Duckling." We can easily understand that the baby swan felt ugly and out of place only because all those in his surroundings not only looked different, but told him in every possible way that it was superior to be like them. Only when he finally found and joined a flock of swans was he able to begin to "feel" his own beauty.

For transracially adopted children, its much the same. Many grew up feeling ugly and out of step with everyone else, even though their parents and many others exclaimed over how beautiful or handsome and cherished they were. They did not need anyone to say that White was superior. They believed that it was because those were the everyday people they saw, depended upon, modeled their behavior on, and wanted to be like. If they saw people who looked like them, they saw them as inferior, "different," exotic, and nothing like their parents, the members of their parents’ social circles, their extended family members, or themselves. Only after moving out of their parents’ homes and coming to the realization that others assign them to the same racial-ethnic category as those "others," and consider that it would be worthwhile to explore their own, genetically-transmitted racial heritage, did they begin to try to connect with individuals and groups with membership in their same racial-ethnic community.

Many, who finally connect in adulthood with other transracially adopted people and/or begin to try to integrate into their racial-ethnic group do NOT automatically feel that sense of racial
fit or comfort, though. They do not "feel" a sense of their own beauty and desirability to others. Instead, they struggle with internalized racism. They continue to see those who look like themselves as "other" (not beautiful, desirable, and of value). They do not want to be like them. Many carry over from a childhood in which they were raised surrounded by Whiteness, an inner "feeling-White," while knowing (when they stop to think about it) that they are not White. Unconsciously or consciously, many try to avoid catching their reflection in the mirror because the reality of who they look like to others is so incongruent with how they feel their internal sense of racial identify.

Below, I have attempted to construct a hierarchy that describes levels of awareness of racism and behavior that either helps or hinders transracially adopted youngsters from developing the strategies and inner beliefs about self to stand up to it so that they either have or lack the opportunity to develop healthy racial identity. Feel free to use my ideas as a springboard for your own.

Not one of us, and I absolutely include myself in this, knows or understands this completely, unless we were transracially adopted ourselves. Therefore, we must work together as adoptive parents (and this includes those of us who are White and those of us of color who grew up with same race parents) to understand the experiences of our children from the inside-out and figure out how to make a meaningful, positive, lasting difference.

1. Actively, Blatantly Racist–This category includes those who perpetrate hate-filled words and acts against all people of color. These are the people who hold membership in White Supremacist groups. They actively encourage others to demonstrate hate. When most people think of a person-type who fits the descriptor of "racist" they think of an individual who behaves in this way, even though this is only the most extreme form of practising and
perpetrating racism.

2. Blatantly Racist– Individuals who belong to this group believe that Whites are superior, write/say derogatory things about individuals and groups of color, and are usually anti-immigration supporters who tend to categorize only those who are White as "real Americans," both privately and publicly. They tend to believe that most others of European Caucasian heritage are in agreement with their attitudes and beliefs. However, they stop short of putting their attitudes and beliefs into acts of Hate.

3. Savvy-Sneaky Racists-Publicly deny racist attitudes/beliefs, privately espouse
White superiority. People in this category tend to seek White-only environments in which to
live/work/worship/socialize. They protest that racism doesn’t really exist or is at least on its way out. They argue that racism is no longer any barrier equal opportunity for all. They may espouse the popular rhetoric that race is merely a social construct, without acknowledging that regardless of the scientific evidence, Society assigns us to categories based on physical characteristics attributed to "race." That this carries enormous potent evidence that it matters a great deal.

People in this category tend to be anti-immigrationists, but deny that racist beliefs have anything to do with their views. They list other excuses for wanting to keep others (especially people of color) from entering and gaining citizenship in the USA (i.e. "THEY" take our jobs, "THEY" are responsible for OUR drug and crime problems," etc…)

Many in this group enjoy & tell racial/ethnic jokes or at least remain silent when they hear them. They tend to stereotype individuals and groups if and when they think they are with others who will agree and mirror their sentiments.

They tend to place individuals and groups in a racial hierarchy so that they may believe themselves to have no racist views of most people and claim to hold justified beliefs and negative attitudes towards just one or more groups, but not all people of color.

Adoptive parents in this category would neither be willing to parent nor befriend nor live near nor have their child associate with certain other minority racial-ethnic groups. Often, they protest that they think it is easier for people who look like their child to participate in society lives, and actively protest having any attitude/beliefs about certain racial minority groups, while secretly harboring strong, negative views of those groups which they attribute to unacceptable and intentional behavior and built-in characteristics of those groups.

There are a percentage within this group who deny or really do not understand that their chil (Asian, Hispanic, or mixed-race)is a member of a racial-ethnic group of color and will be categorized in this way by Society-at-large. They also deny to themselves and others that their child sees the racial difference between them, or understands that racial differences matter to most others. They tend to deny that young children can or do use race as a powerful tool to gain and keep social power, and instead, claim that if children make racialized comments, they are merely imitating the adults they know.

Adoptive parents who fall into this category would assert that their internationally-transracially adopted children are "American" now and need no special support. They belive that their child will automatically have "better" lives in which love is "enough." They fail to recognize that although transracial adoption is all-gain for them, it is NOT all-gain for their child, and instead
holds both loss and gain, part of which is directly attributable to the complexity of living as a child of color with White parents.

Many harbor a sense of moral superiority for having rescued/saved their child from an inferior life in their country and inflate the probable inadequacies of the life they otherwise might have had. They may be unaware that they seek and enjoy it when others glorify them as heroes for having rescued a child, rather than admitting that it was the most readily-available way to get to be a parent to a young, healthy child. They made their decision to adopt a child transracially without much regard for how challenging it is for a child to grow up with White parents. Most never consider whether they have much to offer in terms of providing a multiracial/multi-cultural environment for that child.

4. Publicly and Privately Deny Any Racist Attitudes/Beliefs, but Practice/Espouse Racialized Views and Live a Racially-Segregated Lifestyle:

The majority of White Americans fit into this category in which they would be highly insulted if
anyone suggested that they practise or perpetuate racism. They profess to be non-racists, and insist that they value everyone and are "colorblind" (without recognizing how dismissive that is of a foundational aspect of identity and is especially insulting to those who are not part of the dominant race group.

Those who fit this category have made major life choices without recognizing that race factored into them (i.e. where to live/work/worship/school their children/build friendships). They believe it is just coincidental that they have little to no regular, personal, meaningful contact with people of color in their everyday lives. They fail to recognize that although
they say that they value people of all races, everyone or nearly everyone who ever crosses their doorstep is White, and they rarely if ever visit the home of any individual/family of color. They attribute their major life choices to factors other than race, when the reality is that they live their private, up-close-and-personal lives surrounded by Whiteness even if they live in racially-diverse urban areas.

Most often, they are ignorant of the extent to which systemic racism is a barrier to people of color. They are oblivious to the statistical evidence of the extent to which people of color collectively have far less opportunity and access to power and privilege. They are blind to how they benefit at others’ expense due to White Privilege. They would not personally wish to have greater entitlement to better housing, education, income, justice, safety, health care, but
being unaware that they do (or how that is tied to the racial dynamics in our society), help to
perpetuate this reality and do not do anything that would change this.

This is the group to which the majority of adoptive parents belong. Many to most believe that
because they have adopted transracially, and because their communities include at least some diversity, they are not perpetuating racism, or participating in racism in any way. They attribute racial problems to others unlike themselves, and assess themselves to be morally superior to "those" others. However, their lifestyle choices DO allow racism to
continue to flourish. Their children will eventually recognize this and hold their parents and other adoptive parents accountable for participating and perpetuating racism.

Many in this group protest loudly if and when their child’s racial and/or ethnic group is disparaged, yet don’t get involved when racism targets other groups. They say that that is someone else’ s problem. They fail to recognize how the attitudes, behaviors, oppression towards other individuals/groups of color is tied to the continuing racism perpetuated towards those who share race (and ethnicity) with their child, or that ignoring/dismissing/ambivalence over racism targeting other groups helps to perpetuate and sustain racism that will target their child.

Many to most in this category claim to celebrate diversity, to be teaching their child about their cultural heritage, think that friendships with other adoptive families in group celebrations/language lessons/heritage camps/ homeland tours is "enough." However, many of the things they do serve to exoticize their children and their children’s racial-ethnic
group rather than impart authentic culture and nurture true cultural competence that would empower their child to feel comfortable with/know how to participate in their racial-ethnic community.

Most have no recognition of the internalized racism that their youngsters are silently, gradually, developing– that their children are striving for racelessness (the hope/belief that race does not matter in the face of Society letting them know in a major way
that it does and always will). They do not grasp the dissonance between how the child looks to
others and FEELS internally to him/herself– the fact that their child thinks of him/herself as
White much of the time and may feel White on the inside, so that he/she avoids catching that
glimpse of the self in the mirror because it comes as a shock when the mirror reflects the truth of who they see looking back.

They fail to see that their children are regarding people of their own racial-ethnic heritage as
"OTHER" — exotic, foreign, different in a stigmatized way. That this means that their child sees
him/herself and any transracially adopted sibling or peers as occupying a special, superior
category to those "others" who look like themselves. That they avoid those "others" lest their friends see them as anything like "those" people. The cuumulative effect of this is a significant loss of self worth by the time they are preadolescents and teens– well able to grasp the weight Societyattaches to racial-ethnic group membership and the fact that others will always see them as having minority racial-ethnic heritage that is devalued. However, this group of adoptive parents is ignorant of this developing reality.

Children who grow up with adoptive parents who are oblivious to their own blindness to racism
and its gradual, silent, but insidious impact on their transracially adopted children will only be ready to analyze and then eventually evaluate and express the potent and undermining role racism played and plays in their identity development, and express their dissatisfaction with their parents’ ignorant, but well-intentioned way of dismissing racism as anything more than an occasional problem with teasing and bullying in their school playgrounds or childhood interactions.

5. Partially Enlightened– This group comprises those who recognize racism as a major social problem, talk about race and racial relations in our Society, make at least some efforts to find adult role models of color of the same ethnic heritage for their child, and at least consider race as a factor in some of their major life choices (where to live, work, socialize,
worship, school their children).

However, they often fail to admit to themselves that racism has negatively affected them, or to be able to recognize how they participate in a racist system. They may not realize that they are not involved in doing anything to actively change that. They tend to claim greater connection to and with individuals/groups of color than they actually have, and to overestimate the number of persons of color in their schools, neighborhoods and schools (and with that, the meaningful impact on their child). For example, they may tell themselves and others that they have friendships with adults of color, yet merely have only acquaintances with those adults who never visit their homes or invite them to visit their homes in return. Racism, in their view, is everyone else’s problem, but not something they have any responsibility for.

6. Transracialized*- (term coined by Dr. John Raible, a transracially adopted adult author and professor, whose expertise lies in multicultural education and has done considerable research in transracial adoption and its aftereffects on adult adoptees and their non-adopted siblings). According to Dr. Raible, this is the ideal for children raised in transracial adoptive families for this status means that the adoptive parents have thoroughly educated themselves about the importance of race in our Society, the extent to which racism is a barrier to individuals/groups of color having equal social power/opportunity/equity, and have immersed themselves and ALL of their children (not only their transracially adopted children) in multiracial/multi-cultural environments most of the time. These are the families who have built and sustained meaningful connections with communities of color (and not just with the ethnic group of their child). These are the families who have regular,meaningful, personal friendships with adults of
color from a variety of racial-ethnic groups. These are the families who help their children
develop the skills and confidence to resist racism and stereotyping, but to be regularly in
environments where they do not need to use these skills. These are the families who learn about and teach ALL of their children about the historical, scientific, medical, artistic, literature, and social contributions of individuals/groups of all races and ethnicities– knowing that this would not otherwise be information their children would gain from school studies.

Becoming transracialized also requires adoptive parents to recognize that their child will need,
certainly by the time he or she is preadolescent, adult adoptees or families of color who can
help him/her to participate in their racial-ethnic community alone, without having their White
parent(s) along because they understand that their continual presence is a barrier to their child obtaining full membership in their racial-ethnic community.

This requires the adoptive parents to have developed a healthy sense of entitlement as parents that’s not compromised by recognizing that their child’s perspective as a adopted person and a person of color is different from their own, and so requires special support that they cannot give on their own. It requires recognizing their child’s need for feeling akin to and belongingness with a racial-ethnic community that they do not and will never have membership in. Also, that they grasp that their child’s need to participate in their ethnic community on their own is not a threat to their connectedness to their son or daughter or to their child’s belongingness to and with them.

These are also adoptive parents who have explored, claimed, and value their own and their
non-adopted children’s racial-ethnic heritage. They are parents who strive for balance in honoring and claiming their own heritage. They recognize that exclusive focus on their child’s heritage is problematic because it risks exoticizing rather than integrating their child’s heritage as one part of their multicultural family. Also, that as adults their children may view this as their having been hypocritical for either cultural heritage is or is not important. Claiming and celebrating only their cultural heritage conveys a very different message.

These are the families most well-equipped to raise transracially adopted children prepared to effectively contending with racism. They tend to do the best job of helping their children preserve high self worth, and develop authentic cultural competency so that they can integrate into their racial- ethnic community if and when they want to. They are most likely to be able to help their children build positive racial identity and the skills necessary for that to make a satisfying life for themselves and any children they may have.

Becoming transracialized is a process, rather than a built-in set of attitudes, skills, beliefs, and
way of being for most transracial adoptive parents. It is achievable for EVERY adoptive family,
although it takes considerable self-reflection, self-education, willingness to make major life changes, and commitment to active anti-racism, rather than mere unconditional love for a transracially-adopted child and interest in (occasional participation in) that child’s racial-ethnic community.

PART TWO: SUGGESTIONS FOR HELPING YOUR CHILD BUILD HEALTHY RACIAL IDENTITY, INCREASE YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING OR RACISM, AND MAKE PROGRESS TOWARDS BECOMING TRANSRACIALIZED

*transracialized: a term coined by Dr. John Raible defined as possessing a sophisticated understanding of racism, authentic sensitivity to individuals and groups of color including, but not limited to your child of color if you are an adoptive parent, and living a truly multi-cultural lifestyle.

1. Learn about your child’s culture-of-origin, find authentic cultural practitioners to help your child build true cultural competence (in both her culture-of-origin AND ______ -American culture), but don’t fool yourself that this and this alone will yield healthy racial-ethnic identification.

2. Recognize that a picture is worth a thousand words. You can’t just talk the talk, you have to walk the walk by identifying and using resources and meaningful ongoing opportunities to expose yourself and your child to people of every race and culture, if you are going to suceed at helping your child have and sustain self-respect for his own.

3. Building and sustaining friendships with people of color is very important for PARENTS to do.

4. Place your child in everyday multiracial/ multi-cultural environments. Making this only "special" and "occasional" events is a form of exoticizing and of cultural tourism, rather than true immersion in multiracial/ multi-culturalism.

5. Surround your child with mirrors of who they are and who they will be. Of who you WANT them to be when they are adults. Recognize that they will be living with you for less than 25% of their lives, and as adults of color who are living independently for up to 75% of their lives.

Racial identity is learned in context and a child of color can’t develop healthy racial identity if the context is all-White, any more than a male child could grow up in an all-female environment and be expected to have healthy gender identification.

6. Find and keep meaningful, personal, ongoing relationships with adults of color for your child. (In Today’s world, there really isn’t an excuse for any of us for thinking/believing that this is not possible, regardless of where we live.)

7. Learn about the historical, scientific, artistic, literature, medical contributions of your child’s racial-ethnic group AND of other racial-ethnic groups of color and teach some of this to your child in small, age-appropriate bytes.

8. Seek out babysitters, child care providers, pediatricians, teachers, etc… of color for your child.

9. If you sign up for language classes, make a point of introducing yourself, standing with, getting to know, and making friends with the parents of color instead of the other White adoptive parents. Mix it up!

10. At the grocery store– choose to stand in line where there is a clerk who is a person of color and model striking up a brief conversation. Or sit on the bus next to the Hispanic mom instead of the White one.

11. Consider hosting an exchange student of color– and recognize that your child might "catch" more wisdom about racial-ethnic identity from one who is NOT of the same racial-ethnic heritage that is their own. It may be less threatening and more inviting to observe how and why someone from a very different racial-ethnic-cultural heritage is proud of that and claims that in a way that carries over to thinking about their OWN racial-ethnic-cultural heritage.

Shed the wrongful. but very popular notion that you can teach your child "culture" or that learning about culture (when we are merely taking cultural tourism lessons in language, dance, cooking, drumming, etc…) will yield so much positive sense of identity and pride that that will shield your children from racism.

Culture has to be caught not taught and in regular, frequent, everyday immersion experiences. Not in once-a-month gatherings, holiday celebrations, classes.

12. Model active interest in ALL people and cultures so that your actions are consistent with your words. Otherwise, your child may silently come to the conclusion that you are not truly as free of racialized views and attitudes as you say. Many take this further and conclude that you made an exception and adopted across the lines of race only because you wanted so desperately to get to be a parent to a baby or young child and no healthy White kids were available to you.

13. Talk honestly about how you DID come to adopt a child of a different race and/or ethnicity than your own. Do not gloss over the struggle to consider whether or not you could and would love a child of a different race to the same extent that you would have loved a child born to you who would have been of the same race. It’s less than the whole truth and kids sense that. It exacerbates their fear that adoption was a second-best, inferior choice for you, but something you would never honestly admit to– because of the regular and continual messaging they get from Society that that is the only reason people would adopt, even if they say otherwise.

14. Find and use Teachable Moments.

a) Help your child to "see" stereotypes in a Disney film, or children’s book, or in someone’s
conversation with you. Helping children "see" these helps to arm them to not believe and integrate stereotypes.

b) Talk about a newspaper article whose subject was race or racism. i.e. Whenever there is a
newspaper article about how segregated we are as a nation and how this has led to inequality
between the education most White children receive and the education that most Black children receive, this is something that we might talk about at the dinner table with our kids (now 10 and 12 years-old).

c) Sports stars, film stars, political figures of color whom we can point out as having accomplished their goals even though they did not start at the same starting line as the other racers in the Foot Race of Life, and had to overcome greater odds.

15. Make opportunities to travel internationally, if possible, and not only to your child’s country-of-origin.

Our recent trip to Mexico yielded the following benefits for our family: a) We were continually
surrounded by people with brown skin; b) When our children were swimming in the hotel pool
or playing on the beach, they were playing with kids who did not look like themselves or us and wear brown skin; c) They made real attempts to use Spanish (one of the languages they are studying at school) and what they learned will transfer over to considering that it might be of use to learn the language of their own/their siblings’ language-of-origin; d) In experiencing the wonders of being immersed in a culture unlike their everyday culture, they grasped the fact that cultural differences, in general, are fascinating, worthy of studying, and of great value. This has application for learning that THEIR culture-of-origin has great value even though it is different from the lived-culture of most people they know; d) The sights, sounds, cultural lessons, and interactions with people who look different from any of us and speak a language not our own provided opportunities to talk together in ways that our children were very comfortable with–while they are NOT always willing and eager to talk about the difference between people who look like them and speak their language-of-origin or live
their culture-of-origin. The messages of these lessons/discussions DO, though, transfer to how
they think about their OWN racial-ethnic-cultural communities.

16. Model talking about how challenging it is for YOU to learn about and contend with racism.
Also, about how Society claims its on its way out, but that that is not true when we compare
how far ahead Whites are with where other racial-ethnic groups fall in our social indicators, so
that people of color have their real life experiences marginalized and dismissed.

17. Gradually provide your child with a vocabulary to be able to recognize, discuss, and resist
stereotyping and racism. They should be able to define and recognize: stereotyping, racism,
White Privilege, oppression, racial profiling, prejudice, classism, ethnocentrism, exoticizing,
internalized racism– by the time they are adolescents and this means we have to start giving
them real, in-depth information sooner rather than later. (Think about how interested YOU were as a teen to have in-depth discussions with your parents and consider that if you wait, it may be too late to get to impart what you need to.)

18. Visit multiracial/multi-cultural cities and places. Talk about what you are seeing, experiencing, hearing, and being immersed in and how it is the same or different from where you live.

19. Seek opportunities for your child to have play dates or outings with families of color.

20. Seek adult role model mentors for your child, including transracially adopted adults.

21. Visit the international student office in a local community college, college, or university and offer your help to students who might appreciate the chance to have dinner with your family, visit, share a holiday, get some help with conversations in English, etc… (remember though, that YOU will need to offer transportation, help with the cost of things you do, etc… because the students are still kids and international education is VERY expensive).

22. Take the bold step of initiating a conversation about race with adults of color occasionally. You will most likely feel awkward, uncomfortable, and timid at first, but this will and does get easier with practice.These do not have to be long, in-depth conversations– at least not at first.

Here’s an example: Recently at the airport, I seated myself at a table next to a pleasant-looking African American woman who was also alone. I commented on the pretty ring she was wearing and we struck up a conversation. We established a number of things that we had in common and each seemed interested in continuing the conversation rather
than sitting alone and reading or keeping to ourselves. At some point I said something like:
"I can’t help but notice that everyone here is White. I’m getting more aware of the racial-ethnic heritage of those around me because I have a young daughter of color and am getting more sensitive to how it is for her when we are in a place where most everyone is White, and that she is very very aware of that. " That was all it took for the woman to start to share how it is for HER in that sort of situation and we had a pretty in-depth conversation for a couple of strangers. Occasionally, the other person lets me know that they are NOT interested in pursuing that topic, and we change the subject. However, finding the courage to sometimes take the risk to make race the topic of conversation has meant that I have given myself the opportunity to learn a WHOLE lot of things from listening to the perspective of adults of color that I come into contact with. Seize the day!

23. Take the bold and courageous step of discussing race with others who are White, occasionally. This, too, can be eye-opening and provide insight into what our kids are up against through getting a glimpse at others’ attitudes, beliefs, and opinions that are usually kept under a polite exterior.

Over the weekend, a parent described having witnessed a scene at a grocery store in which a
White, middle-age, man tripped the alarm at the door (which often means that they have shoplifted an item), and then seeing the security guys grab a Black teenager who happened to be approaching the door AFTER the White guy had set off the alarm. (Incidentally, there was also a trio of White teens who were ALSO close to the door) He witnessed the Security guards calling the police and then watching as the police and security guards assumed that the Black teen HAD to have shoplifted an item, and so began to intimidate the youngster who was with his mother and younger brother.

He– a parent of a Vietnamese son– decided not to just be apathetic and say "its not my problem." Instead, confronted the security guards and police with the fact that they’d just engaged in racial profiling so that once again the White guy got away, and the Black kid got another lesson in how he is AUTOMATICALLY assumed (or at least suspect) to be dangerous and criminal just because of the color of his skin.

Its VERY possible that both the security guards and the police got a very important lesson and
may think twice next time about how they respond, but far more importantly– his young son ALSO got a very important and lasting lesson. He may never ever have to wrestle with unspoken doubts about whether his father’s true beliefs about whether or not everyone is entitled to justice match what he professes to believe. I have little doubt that that child will be able to feel a WHOLE lot safer as a male of color than he otherwise might have felt by the time HE is a teenager because he will surely remember how his father stood up for a total stranger over the issue of race.

24. Help your child investigate race through providing the scientific evidence that although Society categorizes us into racial groups, in reality, we truly ARE more alike than different. Our children need proof that race is just a social construct, at the very same time that they need validation of their lived-experience– that Society regards and behaves as though race matters a great deal and advantages those designated as White at the expense of those categorized as other than White.

25. Buy, co-read, and discuss age appropriate books that feature heroes/heroines and regular kids who are "of color" with your children. Its usually easier for youngsters to talk about someone else and their challenges, problems, feelings, and strengths than it is to talk about their own, real-life experiences, feelings, and potential strengths.

26. Educate yourselves about bullying, and what to do if and when your child either is the target of a bully or is the perpetrator of bullying. Evaluate the bully-proofing programs that are currently available and being marketed, and think about what it takes for an adult who is SUPPOSED to be implementing such a program to REALLY be effective, rather than merely paying lip service to helping to interrupt bullying.

27. Take an active, zero-tolerance stance on racism and stereotyping. Excusing someone for
extending racism’s reach because they are paid to be a shock-jock, or because they said they
were sorry after the public reacted and they are trying to preserve their job, or because they were "too busy," or supposedly "didn’t know better," means that YOU are helping to perpetuate racism.

We certainly DON’T let an individual off the hook after they have wronged others (caused an
auto collision, broken into someone’s home, shoplifted, punched someone in a moment of anger) as we tend to excuse those who have verbally insulted and assaulted others over race. We no longer put up with this if an individual sexually harasses another. We should NOT be making excuses for people who undermine another’s sense of self worth that is tied to how they are regarded/ treated due to the color of their skin. Unless and until we hold individuals accountable, they will continue to arrogantly assume that they can say all sorts of vile things and make an inauthentic apology IF someone complains– then live to do it again another day. In addition, excusing someone who has wronged and insulted and demeaned another on the basis of race by claiming that they have done good deeds is just as much an act of enabling. We do NOT allow criminals to escape the consequences of their wrongful deeds on the basis of their having been a "good son or father," because they have donated a certain amount of money to charity, or they have championed a worthwhile cause.

28. Do not allow others to make racialized comments or stereotype people of another racial-ethnic group from your child. Your child is watching and picking up the idea that it either IS or IS NOT all right for others to do this.

29. Remember that your child’s foundational experience was loss, and that that means his or her sense of safety and security was significantly compromised– and that that will always be a vulnerability for your child. Therefore, when another person makes a racially derogatory comment or a child bullies over race, the effect of having been betrayed and ambushed is
amplified for an adopted child. That means that bullying is extraordinarily impactful– and
teachers and others supervising children’s groups or teaching need to know this in order to adequately understand just HOW overwhelming that experience is for a child, in order to support your child.

30. Actively call for legislators to REQUIRE adoption agencies to employ people who truly understand racism and its impact on transracially adopted children and their families, and know what it takes to raise psychologically-healthy transracially adopted youngsters, and assess prospective parentsadequately for their ability to do so. Advocate only for those adoption agencies who DO understand that race matters and put what they know into their policies and practices.